So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
