We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
