i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
