My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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