I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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