i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
