you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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