My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
