I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
