just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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