I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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