She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
