My room smells like vodka and shame
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
