sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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