woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
