Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
