So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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