The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
