spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
