My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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