fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
