Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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