i already hear my dad disowning me
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
