yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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