Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
