You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
