Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
