Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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