My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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