**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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