Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
