dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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