Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
