He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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