When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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