The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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