I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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