Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
