I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
