Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
