All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
