Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
