I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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