have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
