Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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