my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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