TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
