sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
