theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
