my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
