just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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